chernobyl heart

GOALS FOR SUMMER 2012:

-Learn how to make cheese

-Learn to drive a stick

But in all seriousness, homemade mozzarella with homegrown tomatoes, drizzled in really good balsamic vinegar. Think about it.

The one gif of Lucille Bluth where she’s screaming and flapping her hands yeah that’s me right now

A Baby Story is probably my least favorite TV show ever.

But yeah figured out my old Aleks precal login, gonna be all up on dat math dick doin’ some srs reviewing until school starts. And Andrew comes home a week from tomorrow, yaaaaaaaaaaaay! Can’t believe how quickly that went by. Shit is good in this hood, you guys. Summer’s been pretty sweet so far, been spending most of my time at the library (which is so dead and it rooooooooolzroolzroolzroolz; the Starbucks still hadn’t even set out the half and half at 2:05 today), wanderin’ around the stacks, looking at cool things, dickin’ around the internetz on the loaner laptops. And, well, finally getting myself to sit down and do math review as of today. Oh, and going to the gym. Which is also dead (excellent). It’s gonna get up into the 90s next week, that is so cray. Andrew is going to die from temperature difference shock, coming from Nome where it’s still in the 40s. Poor boo boo. I think I will take him directly to Ming Tree after I pick him up from the airport so he can eat his feelings via delishus Thai food. COOL.

LISTEN TO MOAR RADIOLAB YALL. Over n outttttttt

Oh also hopefully gonna put my scanner, my plate of glass, an extension cord, glass cleaner, gloves, and my harddrive in my trunk here in the next few days so I can START SCANNING DEAD ANIMALS SOON SO GET REALLY REALLY EXCITED YOU GUYS (THE ROADKILL PROJECT LIVEZ)

Oh yeah hey just saying I still have the unit circle memorized almost 6 months later. Minus getting minus signs backwards and the (1,0)/(0,1)’s. But whatever. FINALLY GETTING BACK INTO THE SWING OF STUDYING MATH and oh man I missed it! Why did it take me so long! I messed up but I still got 12 days before summer school to get my math groove back. Going to get myself a lil whiteboard on my way home today, ‘cuz I’ve read that that’s a great study strategy online a bazillion times, since it eliminates the need for scrap paper (and I went through about 5-7 legal pads worth of scrap paper when I was doing precal omg). Yayayayayay I’m excited yall~~~

(But yeah woooooo perfect pitch/violin finger number unit circle memorization trick! You dun good by me <3 <3 <3 :D )

I am bored and Anna says she wishes I would update my tumblr more. Ok well now I remember why I stopped getting on tumblr, because I hate being bombarded by pictures of really skinny bitches. Logging on to tumblr is like voluntarily shattering your self-esteem half the time. I guess that means I should just stop following those tumblrs, replace them with math tumblrs. Yes, this is a solid plan. Pizza outta the oven in 7 minutes, I COULD BE REALLY SKINNY, JAH, BUT PIZZA IS TOO TASTY SO FUCK YOU. (JK I’m finally starting to lose weight noticably, but I don’t mind taking my time about it if taking my time means pizza~~~)

Ummm I really don’t know what to talk about so I’m going to discuss bubble gum brands because this is a really important issue and I don’t have anybody to discuss it with. And because I found out the Texaco near my house sells Hubba Bubba last night so I’m all excited. OK. Of the bubble gum brands I’ve had since I started chewing bubble gum on the reg, from best to worst: Hubba Bubba, Bubblicious, Bubble Yum, Double Bubble.

Hubba Bubba is a fucking superior brand of bubble gum. It is formulated to be less sticky than other brands of bubble gum, which is great, because I do a lot of blowing really big bubbles and then they pop all over my glasses. It is also just all around more rubbery and it has less flavor which is great because it gets to the right consistency for bubble blowin’ faster. “Hubba Bubba bubble gum” is also a lot of fun to say. Since it loses its taste faster, it is still really soft for a really long time after it’s chewed enough for bubbles. They don’t sell it in the library bookstore and that bums me out so I think I’m gonna ask them to start stocking it because I would buy the shit out of it.

Bubblicious is a little stickier and more flavorful than Hubba Bubba, but it’s pretty alright. Blows HUGE bubbles, which is pretty awesome. Bubble Yum is cool because it has the duck with the septum piercing on it and what about that isn’t cool, but it’s super grainy and sugary at first and gets to be a little stickier. I really like the cotton candy flavor, though. Double Bubble fucking sucks, unless you like peeling bubble gum off your lips after you blow a bubble every fucking time.

OK phew I really needed to get that out of my system, I just really needed to express some opinions about goddamn bubble gum. Real life, though, chew bubble gum====best help-me-sit-still-and-focus-on-something aid ever. It’s almost 4 and I still haven’t had a cigarette today. That pizza was delicious. I feel like I should go look around Maryville for a can of Purple Drank because I decided today was going to be a “lazy day” and now I’m fucking bored of being lazy but don’t feel like driving to Knoxville so I might as well try and go to sleep early? There is absolutely nothing important I am saying in this tumblr post. One of my summer goals is to watch every single episode of “How It’s Made” because it is my favorite TV show and there are a fuck ton of episodes. I even love their really corny puns.

OMG got an actual date for when Andrew comes home, the 27th! Yahoo! Very excite!

Also, while I’m at it, js yall my sweetheart is the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Additionally, I hate myself because I drove home early because I thought I would fall asleep early but lol FALSE kill myself. No srsly jesus take the wheel on this physics exam.

There are atheists in fox holes. But there are no atheists during finals.

Physics final tomorrow. Been studying for days now, but I can’t decide if I’m prepared or not. Gonna get up early tomorrow, go to the gym and stare at my notes while I work out, stare at them for another hour or two, and then oh god Jesus take the wheel.

I am probz gonna move out for next semester because the closer I am to the fifth floor of Hodges the better I am going to do at school, and, seriously, sometimes NOT taking a break is counterproductive, but you can’t exactly go home and chill for a bit when going home and coming back is an hour round trip and $8 in gas. I really wanted to move into a dorm but uhhhh starting at $2500 a semester are you fucking serious? And with no porch and no alcohol allowed? Oh fuck that. So hopefully I’mma get a place in the Fort, ideally by myself so I don’t have the distraction of roommates, and I’m gonna try and get a jerb at the library since I am a bonafide library rat and getting paid $8.50 to do what I already do sounds too good to be true. And… I’m thinking if I move out, since I no longer have my own cat (RIP Guinevere I still love you forever), I… kinda wanna get a Flemish giant rabbit to keep me company? Dude no seriously largest breed of rabbit, usually get to be about 20 lbs, internet says they are gentle giants just like big dogs are, and seriously look at this motherfucking rabbit. And this one. And this one. How cool would it be to have a rabbit the size of a medium-small dog????! And you can litter box train them and blah blah blah and they’re really docile and just oh man what would I name it! Maybe Rosalind after Rosalind Franklin or Nico for a girl? Edwin after Edwin Land or Ansel after Ansel Adams (though maybe I should just reserve that name for my first born (regardless of gender)) or maybe I’ll run across a physicist I’ll sperg about worth naming it after? Whatever.

I wrote my first ever fan letter to Michelle Thaller because she is too fucking cute for words. I don’t know if she’ll ever get my email because I kind of just found one for her on the internet but I’m skeptical as to whether or not she ever checks that account. By hook or by crook I will get in contact with her. I’m going to start a student organization for women STEM majors and my physics professor is gonna work with me over the summer to get it started, and I think it would rool too hard for life if, once this organization is up and running, to get her to come and visit and give a speech or some shit. Man, not gonna lie, I just really wanna give her a hug. She looks really huggable.

I’m going to go smoke a cigarette and read dumb shit on reddit til I pass out so yeah fuck you guys.

BTW um my latest favorite pastime is wandering the stacks on the 5th floor of the library, because I like to go up there sans computer to study and I wander when I need a break, and over the summer I’m probz gonna start a tumblr of cool science and math diagrams and stuff I find in books I come across and scan. Dude, today I found my coolest find ever, a bunch of Japanese/English botanical bulletin/magazine things from 1917. It blows my mind how many old, old, old books they have in Hodges, and, really, just for the sake of having. I’ve found over a dozen books from the 1800s in the past two days, I think the oldest from 1830. And I think that’s so fucking awesome. And I love that they have math in science books in all different languages! Especially Russian and German, it seems. Today I discovered the geology section. Maps. That’s all I’m gonna say. And those maps… well, let’s just say that nobody probably ever looks at them, and, personally, if *I* was a map, I’d be a lot happier hanging up on somebody’s wall where I could be enjoyed every day. Kinda makes me feel like a huge asshole, because I love the library and taking from it makes me feel like part of the problem, but, on the realz, if there are no date stamps on the lil piece of paper with check out dates and the book or whatever has probably been there for YEARS, who’s it gonna hurt? Who the fuck is really gonna need to look at a Pennsylvania geological survey map from 1952 when they have them from the past like 50-60 years? I bet you $15 I pulled out books today to flip through that probably haven’t been touched in 15 years or worse.

Who’s ever gonna know the difference?

Ok bed time for science I love you bye bye

OH HEY TUMBLR LONG TIME NO SEE. HERE IS AN UPDATE ON MY LIFE

1. Almost done with my first semester as a physics major doing physics! Or something. LOVE IT. Everyday I learn something I never knew I never knew, and it’s not shit like WELL IN 1776 BLAH BLAH BLAH which is all well and good, don’t get me wrong, but I’m really liking the whole laws of the universe thing. And when something finally clicks, I swear it is just as if not more satisfying than when you get a really really awesome creative idea. Fuckin rools, dude. I am doing pretty ok in my physics class, though I’m proud of how well I’m doing considering I’ve never done physics before in my life, I’m probably the only person in the class not currently in at least Calc I (long story), and I am a mathematical rere (hopefully gonna make progress on that).

2. I have a boyfriend-sweetheart thing. His name is Andrew, he is a blonde geology major, total sweetheart, real-ass motherfucker, chillest ever, big goober. We started dating in October, he moved into my guestroom in November because he was trying to live out of the back of his truck and it wasn’t working and he just fell apart and my parents took him in, we broke up-ish in January because, true life, our relationship was putting a strain on our friendship, and I felt our friendship was WAY more important (but we never really bothered to tell anybody or anything), and thennnn in early February he got an email offering him a jerb in Nome working on a drill rig for a gold mine from a company he’d worked with before, and in three days he was off to Alaska! I was so sad to see him go, but he’ll be back either in May or before school starts in fall, depending on whether he goes to summer school here or there. Working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, on some days/nights were it was -40 with wind chill, luvin it, making biiiiiig $$$$$$$. Actual Andrew quote, “It was only -10 the other day, felt pretty warm!”

3. I am at the same time the fattest and the fittest I have ever been in my life. Well, ok, half true, I’ve lost some weight, like, lost fat, but gained a lot of muscle, which, to my delight, is all in my ass. My ass is getting huge. And, as someone who is 100% on team ass in the ass vs. titties debate, this is a dream come true. My problem is, though, I really like food a lot more than I used to? And my metabolism is slowing down because I’m getting older I guess?

4. I found my perfect cigarette. White Bali Shag, the skinny rolling filters, and Rizla or Element papers. This might seem pretty trivial, but it’s actually really important.

5. I also have really gotten into flossing my teeth and now I can’t stand it when I can feel food between my teeth.

6. Dexedrine is backordered to fuck because of the Adderall shortage, so I’ve been on Focalin, which was fine until I got tired of constantly pooping and having heart palpitations and anxiety for 30 minutes after I took each dose. Today’s my first day on Ritalin. So far, not very impressed, but I think I might need 30s instead of 20s. Ideally, they would just legalize meth so I could go ahead and get on with my life because this has really, really sucked.

7. Ok I am tired of writing and am going to go smoke a cigarette and then get back to work. Oh, yeah, one last thing, still pursuing a studio art minor, which means I have to take Photo III two times, which means the roadkill scanning project is pretty much back on again. Fuck. Yeah.



Ok, bye bye!

1. Today I finally met with a physics advisor about switching my major. I got the vibe that she was hella skeptical of me and thought I was stone-cold rere-in’ and probably going into this thinking it’s no big deal, no idea what I’m getting myself into, totally doomed to fail (cuz, you know, art student for three years mais ou menos, was bad at math in high school, ADHD, currently in my fourth year of college, never taken a physics class in my life, etc.), and then as we were just chatting before our meeting was over, I told her that I had finished 50% of an online precal course in a week, and then just man dude the look on her face was like “holy cow” and she told me that was impressive. A COLLEGE PHYSICS PROFESSOR  AT  TOLD ME THAT MY FINISHING 50% OF PRECAL IN A WEEK WAS IMPRESSIVE. 
2. I’M NOT TRYING TO BRAG, I’M JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW FUCKING ABSURD I FEEL LIKE MY ENTIRE LIFE IS RIGHT NOW. AND THEN WELL OK MAYBE I’M TRYING TO BRAG, BUT I’M PROUD OF MYSELF BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM DOING THINGS I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS CAPABLE OF DOING IN A VERY BIG WAY
3. Ok yeah, what am I up to these days? I go to Hodge’s Library +/- seven days a week and do online math classes for 3-4 hours a day.
4. Repeat: Ok yeah, what am I up to these days? I go to Hodge’s Library seven days a week and do online math classes for 3-4 hours a day.
5. AND I LOVE IT.  My least favorite day of the week is Thursday because I have class 12:40-4:55 and before that is when I always write my papers for my film class so I don’t get to do math unless I do it after school but by then I’m exhausted (but then sometimes I do it anyway.)
6. Let me put it this way: I am the boss of math. I don’t work for math, math works for me.
7. That and I started going to the gym at least four times a week starting the second week of school. It takes 21 days to make a habit and hey man I’ve already been there and done that. There is no doubt in my mind that my mathin’ abilities are directly linked to my gymin’. 
8. And it’s really crazy, because I do so much math all day erryday, I can like feel my brain rewiring and it is the craziest feeling ever/so surreal to watch from the inside. It’s so exciting to me ‘cause I’ve lived my whole life thinking I was bad at math and I never thought I could do well in school and I’ve spent my whole life taking the easy route because I thought that I wasn’t capable of doing this kind of hard work and I have lived my whole life up until now doubting myself and telling myself what I can and can’t do and then I finally found something I wanted to learn badly enough that I wanted to put in the hard time and effort into just to learn the basic tools rules and formulas I needed to understand it on a level where I felt like I really knew it and could put it into words and analogies and just man dude you guys I just wanted to tell you that if you doubt yourself at all you need to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up because you don’t know what you can do until you actually fucking try, so quit being an auto-downer. Seriously, that’s the gayest way to live your life ever so snap out of it and realize that your attitude is everything and if you think you can’t do it well then hell no you can’t but maybe if you stopped and tried faking it ‘til you make it and disciplining yourself and putting in the hard work and did the teeth-pulling and pushed yourself then maybe you fucking could so get off your ass stop wallowing and start trying because you’re not gonna ever be any happier than you are right now unless you take shit into your own hands and fucking do something about it.
9. I did. I pulled a “Sometimes I amaze even myself,” -Han Solo. What’s your fucking excuse? Because it probably sucks. This is a legit “I lost 100 lbs if I can do it so can you” except it’s with school but who says that this doesn’t apply to other things.
10. Either way, I am so excited because I feel like majoring in physics is the best gift I could ever give myself. In the nerdiest, most self-indulgent, all-I-ever-want-to-know-is-everything way possible. This is seriously my idea of a good time minus all the parts that aren’t going to be fun but everything that’s worth it demands blood sweat tears and your first born. I am well aware that I am probably going to want to kill myself half the time, but fuck it. I can do it. And I will. I am done being an underachiever. I’m about to work my ass off and I can’t wait and it is going to be so worth it I can’t even put it into words. I am majoring in the ultimate science grab bag major in order to go to grad school for meteorology which is more or less the science of my draems that I just never paid attention to until now. Ok so what’s not to shit my pants about.
11. I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Also: winning.
12. And now I need to go study for geology. Gddmnt.

I finally found what I want, and I’m going to math my ass off until I get it. And nothing is going to stop me.

For the first time in my 21 years, I got drive. (And I ain’t afraid of numbers.) Come hell or Calculus III, I will fucking do this.

Bring it.

Tomorrow my sister moves to Nashville to go to Belmont, and between that and losing Guinevere, I feel like I’ve lost so much this summer. (Maybe between that and the pulled tooth and the root canal, maybe I have.)

My sister moving out, I saw coming. Guinevere dying, though, I didn’t. I don’t talk about her dying. I really haven’t. On the rare occasion I’ll mention it, but her death was something entirely too personal for anybody to understand as far as I’m concerned. With the death of my cat, my best and truest friend since 7th grade, I lost my childhood and a part of myself, I feel.

My head hurts. I tried to get drunk tonight to soften Alexandra moving, but my alcohol tolerance is too high to get drunk off anything that costs less than $6. (When I say $6, I’m specifically referring to the 350 mL bottles of Everclear. Lol? God I’m poor.) I wish I could sleep but I can’t. Maybe I’ll get up and go get some coffee from McDonalds and stay up all night doing homework, drink some more coffee, go to class, and crash.

Lately my passion is meteorology. I love it because, no matter how hard I study it, I don’t fully comprehend it enough to deduce all the main ideas into really specific analogies, which is how I can tell I super understand everthing, I guess. Even though I get the jist of a lot of what I read. The problem is I stopped taking math at Algebra II in high school and cheated my way through high school chemistry because I had such a shit teacher, but I’m wanting to start going to the free math tutoring on campus, not for my math class, but so I can review algebra and teach myself precal and test into calculus. I know I’m smart enough to do it. And I have the drive to do it. Learning calculus is, in addition to —-> physics —-> meteorology nirvana, a matter of life quality. If I don’t learn calculus now, when will I ever learn it, and fuck living the rest of my life without knowing something so crucial to understanding… goddamnit.

I just can’t believe my little sister is moving out tomorrow. My beautiful, funny, brilliant, talented, secretly-supernerdy little sister. I can’t tell if I truly understand how much I’m going to miss her agora, or if it will later hit me like a freight train.

Thank god my first class isn’t ‘til 11 tomorrow.

11223222. 223343321. 4443221224.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZzp14E9iyc

I had oral surgery last Thursday. Now have an odd number of teeth, if I die in a bomb explosion my body will be easy to identify and that’s thumbs up.

So goddamn bored of Tumblr. I start summer school on Thursday and it’s 2 semesters of Portuguese slammed into 5 weeks and I am nervous nervous nervous. All I do is hang out at the library because it gets me out of my house and doesn’t cost money and my library is awesome. I got rid of my Droid and now I have a crappy flip phone and I am a full dumb phone convert now, I love it. I also stopped drinking so much and I am happier/richer for it. So far this has been an ok summer. Right now I am just trying to get my shit together. I am doing a better job than usual but I don’t know how long it’ll last because it usually doesn’t. Whatever.

Going to the library to study Portuguese/meteorology. Bye.